The Journey

"She took me away,
on a journey;
Through streams
and hills and dales.
We walked by paths
and streams and things;
Holding hands
all the way.
The night was filled
with yearnings,
To be close and so carefree.
Let this journey
Never end for me;
Cos I want to be
In her arms
everyday."

Do all men have a mistress in their mind?

Do all men have a mistress in their mind?

Mistress, is usually, a woman who has a continuing relationship with a legally married man. Becoming a mistress is not something that is easy for any sane, common sense thinking woman. More often than not it is the man who makes the initial move to seek a mistress and many women do fall prey to this approach. There are no "right or wrong reasons" to induce someone to engage in an affair, be it with a single or married person.

To be in a marriage must have its own reasons, expectations, value, and connotations. Most often a marriage is defined by theistic beliefs, which ordain that it is a contract and institution between one man and one woman, “until death do us apart”.

Love, on the other hand, between two people can surface at any time in the lives of people, before, or even after marriage. If a man believes he loves a woman, and, the woman believes she loves him in return, then, they usually end up in a relationship that could easily end up in a marriage. Subsequent to that there is also the possibility that either of them may or may not enter into another relationship outside of this marriage.

So what happens when a man or woman enters into a personal and private relationship with a third person after they have committed themselves into a legal marriage?

Most grownups would say that the married couple should simply separate and terminate the legal contract and be free to do as they please with their lives? But, sometimes, such an action may not be the best thing for both. If the man isn't prepared to do that, then, it is very possible that he just wants to have the cake and eat it. In such a situation who is the aggrieved party? The wife, or the mistress? Does the legal paper that confirms a marriage override the verbal agreement that a man has with his mistress?

Let’s not make the mistake of equating sex with love. Therefore, we cannot assume that if a man is having sex with his mistress, he really loves his wife or even doesn't. It can certainly be one of the two. No one can tell that. Sometimes, not even the man himself.

Men can love their wives and still have sex with another woman. For a woman, having an affair with a married man is not a game or a source of fun. It certainly is a commitment that comes with a very high price tag. People can, and usually do, get hurt in the process.

Over the last several decades, sex and marriage have become increasingly, well, decoupled. One factor is that young people are putting off marriage longer and longer, causing men and women to have an extended term of premarital relationships and sex than what may be actually good for them. Many human behavior and sociology researchers seem to think and believe today that, “the link between sexual activity and marriage is breaking down.”

Is marriage supposed to handle, resolve, and manage all the sexual pressures that men and women face in life? People are also living longer than what they used to many decades ago. So, how does marriage survive that extended period and test of time?

In days gone by, marriage was a more formal institution whose purpose was to breed and reproduce children in order to maintain a family, and thereby, keep the species existent.

Cultural standards of morality have also changed dramatically. In ancient aristocracies, rich, famous, and powerful men had partners for pleasure and concubines for quick sex. In the Victorian age, prostitution was far more open than it is today. The western world is a special case. By the early-twentieth century the combined impact of egalitarian ideals and Hollywood had burdened marriage with a new responsibility: providing romantic love forever. The very first “couples therapy” in the western world began cropping up, sometime, in the thirties, when people found their marriages weren’t measuring up to cultural expectations.

Some men will claim that their wives were no longer interested in sex, hence he went and had a quick fling and maybe, sometimes, a little more too. His valid claim may be, “I can’t change my wife’s point of view.” Asked if he felt shame, he may respond, “I do, but a need is a need, right?.”

So, is marriage the real problem here? Aren’t men and women equally oppressed by expectations based on how they have been nurtured, raised up, and taught to think and believe of what a marriage is expected to deliver?

Expectations today are ridiculously high. Nobody expects to find personal fulfillment and happiness in a marriage before it happens. Marriage can be very satisfying, but it may still not necessarily be this “until death do us apart” romance for 50 years. Marriage involves routine, and, routine kills passion. Marriage has many benefits and values, but eroticism is certainly not one of them.

A long and supportive marriage may be more valuable than a sexually faithful one. Think about it. Let me ask, “Why does society consider it more moral for you to break up a marriage, go through a divorce, disrupt your children’s lives maybe forever, just to be able to fuck someone with whom the fucking is going to get just as boring as it was with the wife, before long?”

Is it possible, or even thinkable, to try and change sexual norms to, say, encourage restaurant waitresses to look forward to being mistresses as a cool option. Impossible, I would think. Wives aren’t going to allow it, and we men, usually, grant them a lot of power; they’re all as dominant as Yoko Ono, I suppose? “Look, we are the weaker animal,” most men would say. “Our wives commandeer our situations.” We men do love our wives and depend on them. “In most of our cases, the wives make our homes, manage our social calendar, bind up our wounds and finish our thoughts, and are stitched into our extended families more intimately than we are. They seem emotionally better equipped than we are. If my marriage broke up, my wife could easily move in with a sister. I’d be as lost as plankton.”

April 9, 2018 – Jeddah, KSA